A mother and her wishes...

This one is going to be a little bit different. There are going to be some things about the baby, but mostly it's going to be a look into the lovely transformation I've been seeing in myself.

So before I can discuss this transformation, I have to take you back, wayyyy back, to February of 1993.

I was born in January. Around the time I was 5 weeks old (February), my grandmother came to see me and her daughter (my biological mother). When she arrived there was a trash bag sitting on the front porch, and she could hear me screaming through the door. She knocked, but no one answered, so she walked in. When she came in, she found me lying in a bassinet, my diaper was so soaked it was leaking, and my clothes were dirty. I was screaming, probably because my diaper was so gross, but no one knows when I had last been fed. My biological mother, was lying on the couch with a pillow over her face. My grandmother picked me up, changed me, and asked my biological mom why her boyfriend (who was not my biological dad) had not taken out the trash. Her response:

"Oh that's not trash, those are puppies."

Her boyfriend's dog had had puppies, and he killed them. My grandmother took me that day, with my biological mother's permission. A few days later my grandmother went back to her house, me in tow, to pick up some more clothes. My biological mother was getting ready to go to the mall with some of her friends and asked,

"You aren't bringing her back are you?"

Going to the mall, with her friends, was more important than taking care of her daughter. My grandmother said no, got my clothes, and left. When my biological mother found out that she wouldn't be receiving as much in financial aid from the state, her boyfriend's sister and herself showed up at my grandparent's home. They started yelling and screaming, making a scene, so my grandmother called the police. The police said, that unless she had paperwork from an attorney, or could get it by the next day, she had to give me back. 

She was not going to let that happen!

My grandmother contacted her attorney, and did as he said. We stayed the night in a hotel, and he got the paperwork together. With the conditions she found me in, and the issues my biological mom was causing, it was easy for the attorney to see her side. A few months later, I was fully adopted and my grandparents became my parents. Because I was so young, my grandparents became MOM AND DAD. I have never, nor will I ever, call my biological mother my mom. She had me for five weeks of my life, and her boyfriend, her friends, her life was more important than her own child. She was never my mom. Simple.

Now that I'm older, I have asked her why she didn't want me. And I can't eve get a straight answer, and I think that's what pisses me off the most. Every time she's asked, her response is:

"I DON'T KNOW."

How? How can you not know why you didn't want your kid? She has tried to say it was because she couldn't afford it, but she got food stamps, WIC, state aid, plus I got my own state aid, she had a medical card, and my grandparents were willing to help. Not to mention the fit she threw when she didn't receive as much from the state without me. 

It doesn't stop there though. This woman, this idiot, decided it was a good idea to have two more children with this man (who didn't want a child in the first place), and they were also put up for adoption. They were adopted by their biological father's brother, but they now live two and a half hours away. I have two, little, half-sisters, that I barely ever get to see, because this woman who couldn't raise a child to begin with, decided it was a good idea to have more kids. Really?

Needless to say: We do not get along. I know that getting adopted was the best thing to happen to me, and I'm extremely happy that I did. I am so grateful for my parents, that they were willing to take in and raise a child that wasn't theirs. I'm grateful for everything they've done for me, and everything they have gotten me growing up, but I still have some resentment toward my biological mother. I can't, nor do I think I ever will be able to, comprehend how someone could just give up their child because their boyfriend didn't want a child. Nor can I understand why she would have two more children. I can't comprehend how she can still call me her daughter, and think it's perfectly okay. I can't comprehend how she can be so selfish, and rude when we were raised by the same woman who has instilled nothing but kindness into me since I was just a little baby. I just don't understand.

But now, onto my wishes. There will be more explanations of this woman in the middle of this, but now that you know the back story, you may understand a little bit more of why my wishes are the way they are.

My wish: I have told my mom that I do NOT want Tammy (my biological mother) to be at the hospital (in my room) when I'm in labor or after delivering the baby. I also told her, I want Tammy and my child to have little to no contact when the baby comes home.

Not only do Tammy and I not get along, she made it apparent THREE TIMES that she is unfit to raise a child. Not only that, she is very unhygienic. Tammy has a disease called Lupus. For more information visit: http://www.webmd.com/lupus/arthritis-lupus

Because of this disease, she has to have dialysis. Dialysis is where they pull all of her blood from her body, filter it, and put it back in because her kidneys don't work properly. All of the other people that go there are sick in some way, and usually they have weakened immune systems. Because the patients get sick often, Tammy brings a lot of germs into the house. She doesn't like to wash her hands, cover her mouth when she coughs, etc. 

Which brings me to my transformation: I'm only four months along, but I've realized that I've quit doing things in lieu of what I want, and more in lieu of what would be best for my child.

And what's best for my child, is to NOT get sick! Since getting sick would be more likely around Tammy, it's best for my child to take away or minimize that risk.

Now, the title is "A mother and her wishes..." right? Well I was one of the lucky ones. My mom, for the most part, understood why I would want things that way, and was happy to oblige. She's also respected my wish NOT to tell ANYONE the sex of the baby until the baby shower, even though she gets to find out 10 days prior. And she's respected my wishes for a few other things.

But I know people who are not granted that respect. A mother only wishes things because they are WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD, and I honestly think people need to respect those wishes. It's terrible when the wishes are being neglected by the child's other parent or close friends. And because I've seen how hard this is for others, I'm going to tell people RIGHT NOW...

MY WISHES ARE FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILD, AND IF YOU CANNOT RESPECT THEM, YOU WILL NOT BE IN MY LIFE! 

Got it? Because, my child will always be first and foremost. ( :

Okay, well on that note.

With Love,
-Baby and Mommy-to-be.